Snotface

written October 9, 2008


It's 1:00am and I can't sleep. Okay, so it's really 1:12. I'm sneezing once every five minutes, blowing my nose every five minutes and five seconds and complaining about how raw my nose is every five minutes and 10 seconds. Corban got up and drank some of my NyQuil so that he can pass out and not hear me anymore. I just chugged some myself.

Now I'm sitting up in the bed with my laptop. It's really dark in here. Dog and man are snoozing away next to me. Well, dog is. Man is probably wondering what the hell I'm typing - not wondering hard enough to actually ask because then I'd tell him and that would ruin his plans of sleeping.

I went grocery shopping earlier and spread germs everywhere. Hey, I just figured out what I'm gonna write about. I hope this makes me sleepy.

I didn't notice exactly how much I was sneezing until we got to Kroger. Corban was with me and I kept having those powerful sneezes that throw your entire head forward and your hair goes in your face and if you don't cover your mouth in time, snot gets in your hair... yeah. Those.

You know you're really sick when the sneezes are snot sneezes. Not just wet sprays. Thick snot. And then you have snot in your hand and you don't have tissues in your purse and the guy passing you in the Macaroni isle is wondering where you're gonna wipe that then "ah HA!"... near the meat section - for some reason - there are hand wipes! Yes. 

You (me) grabs the last one. Wipes the hands. Tosses the wipe in the trash. Smiles. Feels sanitary. Walks back over to Corban and then sneezes again. Another gooey one. This time there's quite a bit hangin' out in your left nostril. You (me) can't let it just hang there so of course you run your index finger under your nose and then examine the snail trail on your finger and realize there's still more so you go ahead and run the bottom of your nose along the sleeve of your shirt and then run your finger down the back of your boyfriend's shirt and then he yells at you in the grocery store like you're a little kid.

This isn't the first time I've written a blog about snot. I wrote one a few years ago when I was living on Hazard Street. Go find it. It's funnier than this one.

Anyway. Later on in the isle o' Mayonnaise your nose starts to drip a little more and you just kinda wipe it on your boyfriends shoulder. Nose directly on his sleeve. Casually. You don't even realize what you're doing until he yells at you again. You didn't mean to. You don't know what you were thinking.

Later on - by the bananas - you pick up a bunch of green bananas and then realize there is a sexier bunch of bananas next to the ones you just picked up, so you put down the first ones and pick up the second ones and now whoever picks up the first ones is gonna have your (my) germs on it and THAT is why everyone I know is sick right now. People like me. Leaving a snot trail in the grocery store. I hope they picked up some oranges and potatoes as well. Both are high in vitamin C.

All right. Well, I'm thiristy. I'm gong. Gong? Not gong. GOING. I'm going to post this here, then go post it on Facebook then get something to drink then try to sleep then sneeze, the get up to go pee and then *hopefully* fall asleep and have pleasant dreams.

I love you
Dianne Renee Cupps